We boarded the helicopter and swooped up and over one of the most magnificent sights i’d ever seen. If I wore them now they’d just be shining a light on my knees and nobody wants to watch a swiss cheese ass even if it has angel wings above it. I would have rocked some neon tutu’s and ass bearing angel wings back then. I was immediately sad that this didn’t exist when I was growing up and had way better tits to support some light up pasties. There was a dj and airline stews wearing sexy butt bearing outfits. People were throwing back shots and recharging their battery packs to make sure their nipple pasties didn’t lose any wattage during the show. It was 11pm – aka – already past my bed time.
I LOVE MY PEEPE GAY PRIDE SHIRT FULL
We entered the helicopter lounge and there was a full on rave already going on inside and we hadn’t even hit the concert yet. Flying high was going to be way better if I was flying high. I’m sorry – Chopper pad? Yes, that’s what I said. We all left from one house together and drove to the Chopper pad. I didn’t want a frizz bomb on top of my wrinkles. Jew Hair in Vegas is like a recipe for an afro. I wore a baseball cap with the words Central Casting to keep my jew hair in control. I attempted to put false eyelashes on Victoria but I’m still not sure I got it right and I may have permanently blinded her with glue but hey – she had some shit to bat away the 115 degree heat.
Victoria and I drove to Vegas – pulled in to the Palm Hotel and checked in to our perfect room chilled to any icy sixty something. Yeah I know – I’m a little past heavenly but – it worked. BONUS! So I picked a black tank dress with a pink neoprene skirt over it emblazoned with the word heavenly.
Then I looked up some pictures of what other people wear to EDC and realized – oh wait – it doesn’t matter what I wear because all the girls there are naked. That was the first sign I should just shut up and let shit happen. I first decided to try and strip this weird green color that has been in my hair for weeks but sadly ending up making it even greener so I had to dye my red hair – chocolate brown. Also – no one in this crowd cares who anyone over 40 is. So I said – YES! Now the panic set in – what does a 56 year old carrening into 57 fashion freak wear to a neon rave and try to fit in without standing out but look cool enough to make people think – who’s she? The answer? – I brought four outfits. But all I needed to hear was there’s music, it’s outside and there are more neon lights than any neon light junkie can handle and I am a super freak neonaholic. Victoria: It’s the EDM festival in Vegas. Victoria: Want to go to EDC with me for a day? But I didn’t really know any of this when I said yes to a day trip to Vegas. I don’t want to be a big name dropper so I’ll just tell you that her name rhymes with Molly Hadison and he only needs one name – Pasquale – and it’s a name you hear on repeat as you walk through the masses at this amazing show. Anywhooo – she’s married to the king of the Electronic Dance Music Festival Scene – and EDC is the biggest there is. I know this because I’m quite certain I saw birds help her get dressed the night of the show. She’s a world famous former playmate turned television star turned new york times best selling author, wife, mom and she’s a total badass… like legit… like unsuspectingly cooler than all y’all motherfuckers. My friend Victoria is besties with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. For those of you not in the know – The Electric Daisy Carnival is the most beautiful rave you can ever hope to go to held in the middle of the Las Vegas Speedway and attended by almost half a million people or from what I could tell – one million perfectly pert boobies.
Paris Hilton was lovely and she was wearing a tutu and a rainbow shaped back pack purse and in my book – that makes you cool. It’s a huge library despite a fair amount of dust and memory loss, thank you alcohol, and quite a lot of the files have deteriorated over the years from liquor spillage or edible mushroom mold or a little weed smoke damage and that one time I think I dropped acid but can’t really remember and maybe a couple other drugs that have slipped through the brain cracks, but this moment lives in pure clarity – ish – along with so many others recently formed at EDC. I could stop there because as a former tabloid baby and celebrity news junkie – having a conversation with Paris Hilton has now been entered into the Heidi Hall of Fame Moments Library. “Ohmigod can I take a picture of your skirt? I want to do something just like that for my clothing line.